The Rummy Writer

You can’t do it all.

This year has been my third on the handmade market circuit in Columbus, and it has proven to be an uphill battle. I struggle almost daily with being a creative person who never feels I have the inspiration or time to express myself through art the way I’d like to. Creating has come to feel like a chore in a day and age where the “grind” is mandatory if you want to keep a roof over your head and the lights on in your overpriced apartment. How am I supposed to get anything done when “free” time is precious and I’m exhausted from closing at work for the third night in a row?

In the midst of figuring out how to find the motivation to keep creating in a climate that seems to constantly be working against artists, I asked myself what it is I want most. The first answer is I want to write a book. The second answer is I want to keep building this little business I’ve started, but for now I’ve come to an impasse. I have so many stories I’ve been tossing around for years and an unhealthy case of imposter syndrome to go with them. Truly the only thing stopping me is myself in this case and I hate it more than anything. The hard reality is I can’t run a jewelry business, work my regular gig as a bartender, write a book, and make space to prioritize taking care of myself. There are barely enough hours in the day to get a solid eight hours of sleep.

I’ve noticed the people around me have started expressing their same frustrations. We can barely take care of ourselves, but there is so much to be said for the joy art and creating bring to your life. How the hell do we make it work when we’re all so preoccupied trying to make a living?

It takes me a month to read a book anymore, but I’m reading The Lord of the Rings for the first time and it’s delightful. The weather in Ohio has started to remind everyone Fall is around the corner and I am ready for chilly mornings and warm afternoons spent walking around the neighborhood. I will never be ready for winter though it comes back every year. Over the past week I’ve visited two of my favorite bookstores as droves of people had the same idea as me to spend the beautiful days we’ve had out and about. I’ll go back one of these days when there is actually room to turn around in the aisles.

The good news is I got to see a movie this week, the new horror/thriller Cuckoo with Hunter Schafer and Dan Stevens. I somehow convinced my mom to go see it with very little information to go on. It’s one of those movies she would and did call bizarre. There was some explaining and plenty of discussion in the car afterwards. We spent the whole day visiting some of our favorite places and doing whatever we wanted. It had been a while since I’d used a day off that way and I needed it.

I think I’m finally heading toward a space where I realize how important it is to prioritize taking care of myself, whether it means kicking back to read for half an hour before bed, going for a walk, making plans to see the people I love, or deciding to take a break so I can pivot toward something new. I know I can do it all, but I just can’t do it all all of the time.

As we head toward the last quarter of the year I’ll be saying goodbye to a few things for now and chasing after those things I’ve always said I wanted for myself. I’ll start writing my book and spending more time outside and making choices that feel nourishing. And I’ll do my best to keep it all together.